everything is connected

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2010-04-28T10:48:00.001-07:00

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the journey

2010-02-13T20:02:00.000-08:00

here's the deal.

with everything i've managed to muck through over the past several years there are still some internal scripts that continue to run through my head. primary is that i'm unworthy.

"unworthy of what", you might ask? take your goddamn pick. love, success, happiness...

well you know what? i'm fucking sick of it.

i'm making this pledge - 2010 resolutions, if you will - and all (smattering) of you who may actually read this are my witnesses.

• i resolve to revel in my eccentricities and embrace my shortcomings without making excuses.
• i resolve to feel whatever it is i'm going to feel as much as i'm going to feel it and if it's too much for you then that's your fucking problem
• i resolve to laugh as much as i want and not give a shit how many eardrums i break.
• i resolve to dance more but be just fine being a wallflower when i want to (and those times will be often).
• i resolve to allow myself to make some big fucking mistakes but as long as i tried my best i also resolve to not dwell on the failure.
• i resolve to continue my gut-wrenching journey of unrealistically optimistic hope so that you will understand me as long as i'm brutally honest with myself (and you).
• i resolve to love with every fiber of my being.

you see... im worthy of it all. love, loss, happiness, sorrow, success, failure, connection, solitude, adventure, the mundane... peace. there's no right or wrong. just keep the perspective in check.

and this journey is worth it.

(thanks hand-held)

no holds barred

2010-01-24T19:01:00.000-08:00

okay...

last year sucked sucked some seriously sweaty donkey nuts. like, 4rlz. 2009 can kiss my ass. repeatedly.

personally, my life was a complete disaster - one familiar pattern after another.

financially, my life/career took a serious crap (though, similar for many others).

spiritually, though not completely lost in the moors, the year was really a series of mis-starts.

soul-ly, i had to abandon an excursion that i'd been planning (apparently not very realistically) for 2 years.

physically, i manifested a whole bunch of other shit for myself that was a direct reflection of the aforementioned crappo that was happening in my life.

and on top of it, i turned 40. which in and of itself is no big deal, really. but, when combined with all the other shit, made me take a step back and go, "hold on a second... what the eff?!"

(fastforward)

and not a whole hell of lot is different.

well maybe my wine collection. all i have left after the '09 "cheaper stuff" drinking extravaganza is a cabinet full of epic wine.

and well maybe i'm more realistically looking at how people act as opposed to what they say.

and well maybe work is kinda looking up and the financial picture, though not entirely rosy, isn't as bleak and hopeless as it was last year.

aaaaaaand well maybe i'll get a chance to recharge my soul in a serious way this year by doing some volunteer work half way around the globe and by playing and seeing more live music.

and, you know... i'm kinda feeling stronger and healthier now.

...

hey maybe being 40-ish isn't that bad after all.

(re)awakening?

2010-01-23T00:07:00.000-08:00

forever and a day since my last update. ironic since so many milestones happened in the past year that normally would have been catalogued here. yes, superficial bits of me floating out there in web2-land. but the raw, the core... saved for the few and relegated mostly to silent observation.

i've been watching as i slip in, through and around the center of things. observing it all... hopes, dreams, fears, joy, sorrow, connection, solitude. trying to pay attention to the signs that are all around while marveling at how perfect the chaos of it all is. all at once. pensive and passive.

something's happened though

the observation isn't done but...

all i know is that this shaking in my gut means that it's time to wake up

pay attention

and act.

last day of diving :(

2009-01-07T15:38:00.000-08:00

what an incredible day!

yesterday we saw the yap that everyone had been telling us about. pristine, unspoiled colorful reefs, abundant and healthy sealife, 150+ ft of viz... absolutely spectacular!

we started the day off with a shark feed in the western part of the island. my first shark feed actually. and to see the feeding frenzy happen before my own eyes... suffice to say that while i'm still not scared of the reef sharks we saw in the frenzy, i have a newfound respect for them as a species. their raw instinctual power is truly something to marvel at.

the second dive was at a site appropriately named "magic kingdom". seriously, it was straight out of finding nemo. a reef that gently sloped from about 10 ft down into infinity that was literally covered from top to bottom with some of the healthiest coral i've ever seen. coral of every type. i'd say it might have been the best day of diving of the entire trip.

what i said before about the dead reefs... i take it back. i could dive the reefs of southen and western yap for the rest of my life and never get bored. i'll definitely be coming back here.

got a tour to a local village scheduled for the afternoon - barring any inclement weather. then it'll be time to pack in time to get to the airport for our 4am fight back to the states. eesh.

mantas!

2009-01-05T22:51:00.001-08:00

today we had 2 mantas, male and a female, come visit us at the underwater cleaning station. after about 45 minutes of close to no action these two float in one after another right over our heads. seriously. they may as well have patted me on the head as they swam over me. absolutely incredible!

we took a dip in the most jewel-like patch of ocean you have ever seen on the way to our second dive site. backflips off the bow of the boat, swimming in skivvies... afterwards, a boat ride through a narrow mangrove lined waterway that looked straight out of apocalypse now... it should be illegal to have this much fun.

all that said, i have to say what i've seen of the reefs here has been extremely disappointing. LOTS of dead coral - could be that the reefs i've seen have been close to the main port. so i'll reserve judgement until after tomorrow when we go to the southern part of the island to check things out there.

evenso, what a fantastic day... despite my underwater camera housing flooding during the descent of the second dive. my fault. oops. hopefully insurance will cover my momentary lapse in fastidiousness.

photos and videos are up. enjoy!

http://galleries.sensitiveartist.com/palauyap0809

tropical climates suit me

2009-01-05T03:50:00.000-08:00

greetings from beautiful yap in the federated states of micronesia!

hoo boy what a week and a half it's been... from the neverending series of flights to get to this part of the world, to battling a lingering sore throat/cough/sinus thingy, to the torrential downpours... to epic dive after epic dive. it has been quite a trip, i must say.

seriously though... despite experiencing less than ideal diving conditions and - for this part of the world at this time of year - unusually turbulent weather... the diving here has been spectacular. the mind reels at what it would be like here in better weather. palau's reefs are in such good condition that you feel like you're in a fish tank. the islands themselves are lush emerald jewels floating on water so turquoise in color you think that it's all a movie set backdrop. and the sealife is abundant in a way that i haven't seen in years. possibly ever.

so far, yap has been interesting. 4 or 5 huge mantas on the first dive today - one of which was a 10-footer that hovered not more than 5 feet from me checking me out for what seemed like a good minute or so before he went on his way. a few of us wandered into the only actual town in yap and got a lesson in how to chew betel nut (a mild stimulant) today - something seemingly EVERYONE here does (to the detriment of their red rotting teeth - but hey, to each their own).

the group i'm with is great and new friendships are being made all around. it's also been really special for me to have my good friends max and robyn on this trip with me. being able to finally share something i love so dearly with people i love so dearly has been such a blessing. as much as i love to travel and dive, it takes on so much more meaning to go on these excursions with friends. i'm so over travelling alone. ;)

anyhow, pictures and video are coming soon... the intertron connection here in yap is sssslllllllooooowwwwww so it may take a little bit to get things uploaded.

stay tuned

sub 2-hr race... DONE!

2008-10-26T08:22:00.001-07:00

Healdsburg Half Marathon

1hr, 55min, 30sec - 8:43 average pace!

Time to drink some wine!

sheesh... that was a big weekend

2008-10-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

first up... saturday morning and a practice run with max and jim for the upcoming healdsburg half marathon. a full 13.1 miles! the run started in the rain in brentwood and ended in marina del rey. the humidity hit all 3 of us hard and caused me to get more dehydrated and overheated than i was expecting. that said, despite kinda bonking around 9 miles in, i managed to finish in under 2 hrs! now granted this is a pretty flat course and the course on the actual race day is more hilly but as long as i can manage my heat and hydration level i think i have a pretty good shot at getting my sub 2-hr race... fingers crossed.

THEN we all met later that night for dinner to celebrate jim's birthday. angelini osteria - great food, great service and a great wine list (though an unfortunately crappy website - maybe i can work out something in trade?). we had 2 bottles of the rocca di frassinello that was just incredible. don't expect to go there and find any though... we drank the last of it! HA!

THEN on sunday i get a message from my brother that my new nephew was born that morning! can't wait to meet the little... wait... chunky little guy.

THEN later that night i continued my spectacular bordeaux education at katherine's place for a 12-vintage chateau pichon longueville comtesse de lalande vertical. that's right... 12 vintages!!!

feast the eyes...

that's - from right to left - 04 03 02 01 00 96 95 94 89 86 83... and the legendary 1982!

words can't accurately describe this vertical tasting. on the one hand, it was an incredible way to see the common thread that connects all of these wines and to really appreciate how a winery manages to stay on point across multiple decades. the discipline and dedication is awesome. but then there was the wine... some years (like the 86) more fruit forward than others, some years (82, 96, 00, 02) perfectly embodying what i'm beginning to recognize as the thing i love most about bordeaux - if it's done right. that oily, green olive and green pepper and caper sort of nose and taste to it - just enough sweetness from the fruit to stave of any possible astringent bitterness - finished by a long complex velvety finish.

but i think what was most satisfying about the evening was the conversation that happened over the course of the evening. friends and family (and dogs!) gathering together to enjoy each other's company eat delicious food and drink and discuss epic wines.

all in all a pretty great weekend... hard to imagine it gets better than that!

Say uncle..... YET AGAIN!!!!!

2008-10-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

Introducing Cole Walker Renninger!
Born Sunday 10/05/08 @ 7:07am
9 lbs 7.3 oz, 22 in.

the gradual act of getting over your hangups

2008-09-25T14:40:00.000-07:00

i don't see a lot of movies. ironic since i've been building movie websites for the past 10 years.

there's something about seeing a movie by myself that just makes me uncomfortable. it all has to do with me and i freely own up to the irrational collection of neuroses that prevent me from stepping into a movie theater solo: my discomfort at being alone in a dark room surrounded by strangers, my embarrassment over my oftentimes explosively big laugh, the feeling i get that it puts a microscope on how goddamn single i am... i could go on and on.

i've traveled to remote corners of the world by myself. i have no problem eating a meal in a crowded restaurant by myself. i love sitting by myself and watching people pass by.

and for some reason i can't step into a movie theater alone.

but today i went and saw a movie... by myself.

... and it wasn't all that bad.

i also hate cowards

2008-09-18T18:22:00.000-07:00

a little over a week ago i posted that i hate car salesmen

i rarely get comments on my blog - really it's just an exercise for me to put down my thoughts and if any of it affects anyone... great.

today i get a comment from "Anonymous" on that particular post... and i quote:

"That's too bad you feel that way about the Salesman. It is obvious that you are not paid by commission, so you do not understand. You are probably paid by the hour having very little skills other than typing. Good luck and good bye."

come on... really?

you're right i am not paid by commission but i have worked retail commission based sales and it sucks. i don't envy the salesman's life one bit. it's a tough job.

but my skills or my empathy for the salesman isn't what's at issue here. what's at issue here is that the salesman invaded my privacy by taking the information from my drivers license and - without my permission - used that information to find out my phone number. that's not being a salesman... that's being a straight up stalking assbag.

i love the interweb. particularly that it allows a nobody like me to post random thoughts as i go about my life. but the interweb also allows this layer of anonymity where we feel like we can say whatever we want and not have to take any responsibility for what we say.

this guy says what's on his mind and takes no responsibility - posting the comment as "Anonymous". this is the blogging equivalent to running up to a kid in elementary school from behind, punching him and then running away as fast as you can.

that shit is totally spineless. hey "Anonymous", put on your big boy pants, grow a pair and take some responsibility for your words.

i say what i say and i take full responsibility for it all. oh and i also love that since this is my blog, i always get to have the last word.

and for the record, i'm a terrible typist.

it's official!

2008-09-11T09:52:00.001-07:00

Kilimanjaro here I come!

Just got the information packet for my 40th bday Kili trek next June. 9 days up, 2 days down, 7 days on safari in the Serengeti and 5 days in Zanzibar....

cant

effing

wait

stars and laughter

2008-09-10T20:13:00.000-07:00

we met for dinner and talked for hours about everything...
all i could think about was how smart and funny she was...
and how badly i wanted to kiss her.

we left after closing time and went to a bar down the street for a drink and talked some more...
all i could think about was how ambitious and interesting she was...
and how badly i wanted to kiss her.

we went to my car and i gave her a catalog filled with travel ideas that we rifled through forever...
all i could think about was how adventurous and interested in the world she was...
and how badly i wanted to kiss her.

i walked her to her car and we said goodbye for the night...
and we kissed.

and all i could think about was stars and laughter.

i hate car salesmen

2008-09-07T16:12:00.000-07:00

i test drove a car yesterday at rusnak audi in pasadena. awesome car, fairly typical/uneventful test drive experience. i told the salesman that i basically needed more time to suss out my thoughts before i made any decision about the car. i got his card and we left it at that - i never gave him any contact information. (i'll leave out his name because karma is a bitch)

so he took it upon himself to use the information on my drivers license to get my phone number from information so he could call and "thank me". totally inappropriate and out of line. what's more, the number he called wasn't mine - it belonged to my ex (totally frikkin awesome) who referred him to my actual unlisted phone number. if this is expected protocol for all of their salespeople, rusnak needs to seriously revise their sales practices. like now.

hey rusnak... if i want you to call me, i'll give you my phone number. period. don't fucking stalk me to say "thank you".

i was really considering buying from this dealership too but this incident has really turned me off to this place. bottom line, best price is best price and if they can give me the best price, i'll buy the car from them.

but they're gonna have to work extra for it - maybe make the salesman dance around in a pink tutu and sing "i'm a little teapot" in downtown pasadena on a weekend night.

but that salesman isn't getting one goddamn cent in commission.

*update: called the general or sales manager and explained to him what happened. he was very gracious and said all the things any good sales manager would say including that they'd work to earn back my business. time will tell.

my continuing wine-ucation

2008-09-02T08:26:00.000-07:00

my friend chris invited me and phineas to another of his family bbqs yesterday. the last bbq is still so fresh in my memory... i was really chomping at the bit at the possibility of another one. yeah i know it was only a month ago but i'm old and i really do tend to forget things more than i did before. (where was i?...)

so i know i've mentioned this before but, his family is so incredible. it's really mind-boggling. they're all so full of joy and kindness - not in a spiked kool-aid sort of way... totally genuine and seemingly without judgements. seriously, they're great.

ANYHOW... chris' mother-in-law comes over to us while i'm in the kitchen helping chris prepare this roasted tomato and mozzarella tart (basically a caprese pizza on puff pastry dough... yum!) and says she needs our help. we follow her out to the garage where she opens up the holy grail (as far as i'm concerned) of wine cabinets and asks us to pick wine for the evening. the choices were mind boggling but here's what we picked:

#1

1990 cos d'estournel, saint-estephe
(typically a blend of 60% Cabernet Sauvignon, 38% Merlot and 2% Cabernet Franc)

this one was great but, honestly it was a little thinner to me in the nose and front that i expected... still, with a finish that lasted for a good 30 seconds, it was a great way to start the night.

#2

1990 chateau longueville - baron de pichon-longueville, pauillac
(a blend of 70% Cabernet Sauvignon, 25% Merlot, and 5% Cabernet Franc)

this was more in keeping of what i understand a good bordeaux should be... vegetable-y, oily, slight minerality... subtle fruit... complex. and finish that lasts for days. just incredible.

#3

1990 chateau cheval blanc, st émilion
(the '89 was 66% Cabernet Franc, 33% Merlot, 1% Malbec so this one may follow a similar blend)

words can't describe this one... i'm just fucking dumbfounded.

take what i said about the chateau longueville and wrap it in a velvety leathery coating dipped in cherry infused chocolates. add a complex, earthy nose and a front that honestly tasted like bell peppers straight from the garden in a fresh pomodoro sauce... and a finish that kept going... OMG. just shoot me 'cause i don't ever want to drink any other kind of wine. seriously. i dunno if it's worth what the collectors pay for it but man this was a stellar wine.

in all seriousness, i think katherine may need to marry me. though, that would make my friend chris my son in law (of sorts) which might make subsequent family reunions be a little awkward.

ok well... in lieu of that, more bbqs!

adventures in internet dating...

2008-08-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

last night i went on a first date with someone i met online.

she was funny and intelligent and interesting... and beautiful. the type of beautiful you grow up to next door or down the street as a kid. the girl that you had a crush on since you were 7 or 8 or 9. genuine. unadulterated. comforting but yet not comfortable. still plenty of unknown which is enough to keep that crush going on long after you or she moves away. and enough to keep the imagination roiling into adulthood.

we said goodbye for the night with an awkward hug that lasted a second longer than i expected. but in that second i realized how long it had been since i'd felt that feeling of familiarity.

and there she was in my arms.

i'm smitten.

calabasas is on fire

2008-08-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

great friends and epic wines

2008-08-02T22:51:00.000-07:00

my friend chris invited me and phineas over to a family bbq at his mother-in-law's house today. i'd been to another bbq with them about a month ago and any chance i get to spend time with chris i jump at it. you see, chris is good peeps. talented flash guy, loving father, devoted husband... we should all be a little more like chris. and his family is just incredible. so open and warm and accepting and interesting and interested in the world.... and phineas gets a chance to dog out with chris' pooch gravy and 5 or 6 other dogs... how could i say no to an invitation like that?

ANYHOW, chris' mother-in-law is an avid collector of bordeaux and tonight she broke out some mind-blowers.

behold...

1990 vieux château certan - pomerol

1998 chateau la mission haut-brion

and a 1989 chateaux d'yquem sauternes that i was so blown away by that i forgot to take a picture of it.

i'm not even going to attempt to describe these indescribable wines. any description i could come up with would, i'm certain, be so far off the mark in terms of accuracy that the attempt would be a disservice to anyone who reads this. suffice to say that these wines were RE... TAR... DED.

and at the end of the evening, chris breaks this box of chocolates that his father-in-law had brought over from singapore that tasted like nothing i've ever had... quite possibly the most decadent chocolate i've ever tasted.

and then he sends me home with a couple boxes.

i'm so not worthy.... and yet i look forward to the next bbq!

(the disconnect in that last statement boggles the mind)

the fine art of disappointment

2008-07-30T09:49:00.000-07:00

do i believe in the basic goodness of all people out of idealism or because it's just easier?

i mean, if i believe that you're good and that your intentions and actions are aligned i don't have to second guess you and figure out your motives and your next move.

but when you disappoint me - as most people do because no one is ever 100% aligned in their good intentions and actions - it hurts that much more because i expected more than that from you. or... i didn't expect you to disappoint me.

maybe i need to expect that people will disappoint me from now on. maybe i need to hone my people reading skills so i can weed out the bullshit artists from the good people.

but what a fucked up way to live life - scrutinizing everyone.

i think i can still believe in the core good that exists in everyone. but maybe i need to just adjust that outlook to accommodate the poor choices that we all make. despite our best intentions for good.

who knows.

Yaz @ The Orpheum

2008-07-12T09:00:00.001-07:00

Allison and Vince still have it after 25 years! Incredible show.

back to it

2008-07-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

welp... i think i had a full 18 hours of post-vacation afterglow to bask in until i had to jump into my now trademark no-life work days™. whatever, it's a living and it allows me to travel so i really have nothing to complain about.

the birthday in belize was wonderful. i ended up meeting a fantastic group of people to celebrate it with - all really amazing people. we all were on a dive boat that day, met for happy hour afterwards, had dinner together and then moved back to the bar for more celebration. and despite not wanting a big deal made over anything they all sang happy birthday to me - twice. all in all, a pretty original birthday. it's so comforting to know that, no matter where in the world i happen to go, i always seem to meet great people.

the belizean bday dinner crew - you guys rule

the bday celebrations continued when max, robyn, jim and teresa all took me out this past saturday to dinner and to this dueling piano bar called howl at the moon. alternating between hysterical and horrifying, the place is really just an excuse for people to get sloppy drunk and sing raunchy songs with strangers. anyhow, they have this thing called "word of the day" where you pay the guys at the pianos x dollars to write whatever you want them to write up on this whiteboard. chimp simple but for drunk people it's the best thing ever. my friends had the bra-zlliant idea to put my number up on the board... "for a good time call...". calls and texts start pouring in, i have to go and kiss a cute little blondie that has no idea what's going on. hilarity ensues.

you didn't think i was actually going to post my phone number, did you?

oh and i had to do the peewee herman tequila dance in front of everyone. footage of which (yes there's footage) need not be posted publicly.

so now it's back to real life with me and the dog. glad to be back, sad to be back. though i'm already planning for the next adventures... mauritania in december then palau and yap over new years. i better get to work and earn some money!

cien buceos

2008-06-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

i hit 100 logged dives yesterday at a site called myrtle turtle in the turneffe atoll. the 3 sites we dove were all spectacular and i was snapping pictures and video all over the place - there was just so much to take in.

our second dive, as i was finishing shooting a school of blue tang - feeding on the coral as they swam long - we were visited by a huge, old hawksbill turtle - barnacles on it's shell and everything. awesome sight. it ducked under an overhang to scratch the remorae off it's back and then took off again toward my friend don. great sighting.

my camera was out of juice for the the 3rd dive - myrtle turtle, site of my 100th dive - so i took that as a sign that i was supposed to just relax and enjoy the view. about 15 minutes into the dive at about 60 ft, the ocean saw fit to give me a little gift - a long nose seahorse, about 5 inches long just sitting there. i was the first one to see him... quite a gift! luckily my friend don had his camera with him and was able to get a good shot of him along with a few other amazing creatures.

taking the day off today - more by force than anything else. i had signed up for one last whaleshark dive today but it had to be cancelled because of choppy water and windy conditions. another sign. i figure i'll try to do a couple more dives tomorrow and then maybe take a bike into town to do a little sightseeing and shopping before i have to take off on wednesday.

views of belize...

2008-06-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

pitcher sponge

emperor butterfly fish (i think)

self portrait

little territorial blue meanie

pretty coral

OOOOOOOOOO...... barracuda!

more pretty coral

reef shot

hawksbill turtle

scorpion fish

diving in and out of the stalactites at the blue hole

grey reef shark

coral block

little bumblebee fishies (yes, that's their scientific name)

relaxing after a long day of diving

little jellyfish

lunch spot

belize it... or not!

2008-06-15T20:09:00.000-07:00

day 1 of my long awaited and well-deserved dive trip to belize is drawing to a close and man what a day it's been.

got up at 3:30am in order to be ready for a towncar to pick me up at 4:15 (a new indulgence for me but it ended up costing the same as parking my car at the airport) in order to get me to the airport by 5am (astounding how many people were at LAX at 5 in the frikkin morning) in order to take off for houston by 6:30. the plane ended up being delayed by about an hour due to electrical problems but luckily i still made my connecting flight to belize city with a few minutes to spare. another short layover in belize city and then i jumped on a little single-prop cessna with some other vacationers for a 20-minute flight to the airstrip in dangriga (which has such a short runway that if you miscalculated the landing by even the smallest margin it seems like you'd go careening off into the ocean). a 30 minute drive over roads that were 50/50 roughly paved to not paved at all and here i am. no worse for wear but man am i exhausted.

my room at hamanasi is wonderful - it's on the second story and bigger than i expected and has a balcony that overlooks the pool area and the ocean just beyond. i'm already signed up for a 3-tank boat dive at glover's reef atoll bright and early tomorrow morning, a 2 or 3-tanker to lighthouse reef and the world famous blue hole on wednesday and a whale shark expedition on thursday. i already love the staff and so far the drinks have all been nice and potent. the goal is to be on a boat every day while i'm here. i should break 100 total dives this weekend if i can do that. all the makings for an amazing trip, if you ask me.

i know i'm already piquing the curiosity of the staff and other guests since i'm literally the only solo guest here. i'm quickly reminded of the sort of mental games i go through when i'm out on trips like this. it's hasn't been since the maldives 2 years ago that i was completely solo - on every other trip i've taken since then i've known at least one other person. but here i'm all alone. and what happens is that the self consciousness sets in - how do i appear, what do others think of me, what are their judgements of me... that kind of shit. i know i can appear aloof and stand-offish or disinterested in others or what have you. i just have to remind myself that it's precisely these types of trips that i take to force me out of my shell and not be such a recluse so i can reconnect with the rest of the humanity. and that all it takes is for me to give people the chance to talk to me and all the illusions they may have had get dispelled. to know me is to love me... or something like that. but it's still weird and uncomfortable.

the inaugural test of the new camera gear is tomorrow. we'll see how that goes. i have my simpler older setup with me just in case.

in the meantime.... ¡otra cuba libre, señor!